By Devlin Sparks
So I am sick and tires of Wildcat fans running their mouths off about ASU. You guys live in a cesspool of Tucson, while I get to live in Tempe. You know, a real city.
All you guys want to do is run your mouth about winning three of the last four. Sure. That is good, but when was the last time you guys played in the Rose Bowl? Sure you have your Final Fours, but we have a 15-year streak of winning at least one AVN (Adult Video News) Award. You can have your NBA All-Stars, I’ll take my porn stars any day.
My nerdy brother goes to Arizona. What a dweeb. I tried to call him this week to talk a little smack, but he was at the library studying up for the LSATs. I told him “bro, I don’t even know where the library is and can’t even spell LSAT.” He’s studying to be a lawyer, what a geek. I am studying co-eds, if you know what I mean.
In fact, I was at the free clinic on Monday, a little “study session” gone awry, and asked all five guys there about the rivalry game. Four could care less about the University of North Nogales. The other asked me for change.
You see, the average ASU fan could care less about the UofA. You do not matter to us. You silly PussyCats with your degrees and jobs, who cares. At ASU we know how to party. You worry about mortgages, who cares about owning a home? I’ll always have a bro with a free couch and a full cooler.
You can have your silly little Territorial Cup, I’ll take a plastic keg cup in each hand. Woo-woot, double fisting bro!
Everything about your school sucks. Wildcat for a mascot? Ho-hum, we have a Sun Devil who looks like Ron Jeremy in a red leotard. You guys have your sissy-ass “A”, while we have a sweet fork. I mean, do you see your “A” on a plate of seafood? I think not. Every time I order shrimp cocktail there is a badass ASU fork on my plate. If it is good enough for Red Lobster, it is good enough for me.
And do you have a cool hand sign? I don’t think so. We have our awesome shocker, pitchfork secret hand sign. It is not only cool, it is practical.
UA fans = suckas!
Most ASU grads could care less about the game. In fact, four of my bros didn’t even ask for their Friday shift off, even though there are plenty of high school sandwich artists who want the extra shift to help pay for winter formal tickets. Don’t worry Wildcat fans, your 12” turkey sub will be made by a college graduate, not some weak-ass high school student who won’t even work at Subway once they graduate. (Heehee I said 12-inch).
So go ahead, enjoy the game. I might tune in. While you spend your money on tickets, I’ll be watching the game, while shot gunning Keystone Light and penicillin on my brother’s couch. While you go to your fancy home, in your fancy car with your wife, I’ll be helping another ASU co-ed with the her lines for “Casting Couch co-eds No 43.”